Hello, whoever you are. I hope you're patient.
I wasn't sure whether to start with 'Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans', or 'No man is an island entire of itself' but I've decided to choose Donne over Lennon. (Love both those Johns, anyway.)
So - no man is an island entire of itself...but I am having to be. And not a lovely, paradise island either - more like a bleak Scottish rock poking petulantly out of a stormy sea.
I've painted myself into a corner and the only way out is to get paint on the soles of my feet. It's probably going to be a hideous coloured paint which won't come off, too.
As you can tell, I'm not feeling too happy with myself at present. And I'm old enough to know much, much better. I've decided to try to use my blog as a way of working things out.
Here's the situation:
1. My son (19) has left home. Not just 'gone to uni', or flat sharing with friends. No, he's gone to New Zealand, the other side of the world, and I'm suffering from 'empty nest' in a big way.
2. I'm incredibly broke. Not just a 'bit short' - broke. Hand to mouth stuff. Wondering if my feeble paycheck will last the week. Unable to pay my mortgage and bills. Can't afford to heat my flat. No credit. Hideously, embarrassingly, mortifyingly broke.
3. I have to leave London. Not a choice, not really. Just can't afford to live here any more. My flat's under offer and now I have to find a new home. Have decided on Tunbridge Wells because I know a few people there, it's pretty and the houses are affordable (if I choose a very small one). But it's scary having to choose one that's affordable enough for me to buy and pay off my debts that isn't a rabbit hutch. And it's scary leaving my home city. I'm trying to convince myself it's an adventure. Sometimes I almost do...
4. I have a crap job. That's really hard for a former high achiever to admit. And I was one. I had an enviable career as an advertising creative which took me on shoots around the world, into countless wine bars and restaurants and the work was pretty fun too. Now I'm working as - oh, never mind. I'll tell you later.
5. No man in my life. The last one was so emotionally draining I'm still recovering. And I last saw him almost a year ago. He's a story in himself; one I shall probably share with you later. It's not pretty. So no, there's no man in my life, and unlikely to be for a good while. I'm pretty damaged goods these days.
I am going to post this, even though I know it looks like the wingeing of an adolescent. And I'm far from that. Later I will look at it and hope that it will serve as a checklist of all the things I need to put right.
Please bear with me. I'm not always so self-pitying, but this isn't a good day...
